Do you ever wake up in the morning and feel that you are standing at the start of a long and winding road? Because of what I am, I find it hard to reconcile why every day for me seems to much of a challenge. Analogies such as standing in the foothills of Mount Everest or the example that I give above, define how I feel about the start of my day.
Am I alone in thinking this way? I would love to be like those others who I share my life with, who seemingly seem to embrace each day with the sense of joy and relish any new challenges that it may present to them.
I so want to feel like that too. I will instinctively know that I am getting on top of my condition when one day, I wake up and feel that I want to seize the day and all it has to offer with both hands, and run with it like a rugby player or American footballer.
Alas, that is not where I am now. For me each day is something that I fear. The thought of having to interact with others – be they family, work colleagues or customers – fills me with dread and my instinct is not to stand and fight, but recourse to that other default position – flight. When the phone rings, I always think that the person calling has a problem and wishes it be mine, or the bearer of bad news. This is also how I view social interactions in general.
So now, that is why the image that I have chosen for this short post, seems to strike a chord within me. Each day I am having to walk this long road, or climb the mental Everest within me and having to figure out how to interact with people all around me. All the time I am seeking ways to cut those interactions short and looking for physical ways to extract myself from them and make my excuses and withdraw.
Before I even start these routine and everyday social activities, my anxiety levels are running high which ultimately leads to me feeling fatigued, confused and dull-witted.
I hope that one day I will be like all those others who view the start of a new day as something that is celebrated and as such, be embraced. I will know then that I am beginning to face down my demons and starting to walk along a new road, one that has lots of twists and turns and alternative routes that may offer delights and choices that I can only dream of.